Brussels’ ice cream vans: shock report

A shock report obtained by the WeeklyWaffle shows how the ice cream vans of the Belgian capital use scandalous tricks to make you buy their ice cream. The document, passed to WW reporters by an unnamed insider from the Association of Belgian Ice Cream Vans (ABICV), detailed how hypnotic vibes are built into the ice cream van tune, reprogramming your brain to make it believe it needs ice cream.

The familiar ditty blurted out of the ice cream van speakers is in fact imbued with the hypnotic message: “I need ice cream now. I must go and buy ice cream from the nice man in the van.” Followed by, “I will not notice when he does not give me all the change from my €20 note.

Other secret tricks include delicately balancing the ball of ice cream on the edge of the waffle cone to allow the maximum chance of it falling off within 5 minutes of purchase – enough time to reasonably allow a return journey to the van to buy a replacement. Children are believed to be especially vulberable to this technique.

Ice cream van drivers also fake Italian accents to trick you into believing that the quality of your strawberry, chocolate and banana boules is far higher than it really is, the report reveals.

“I knew this was trickery all along,” one Italian working in the EU quarter said reacting to the report. “Every day that bloody tune floods through the office windows making me think I need an ice cream. I pretend to my colleagues that I hate the f’kers, but really I go outside and scoff one. My favourite is pistachio.

I am Italian, I should have known. They have affected my brain. The bastards,I will take action,” the civil servant warned.

Do you feel affected by this story? Do you have ice cream van-related tales to tell? Let us know by commenting on this post.

The WW has passed the classified ABICV document to the Belgian authorities in charge of ice cream van regulations. We will keep readers updated as soon as there are developments.

Commission to relocate to Reykjavik

The European Commission has decided, following the sighting of a rare and dazzling object in the sky, to relocate to Reykjavik, a top-secret document sighted by Weekly Waffle reporters said.

“It appears that the yellow-tinted disc of intense brightness has returned to the skies of Belgium, we must take action.” The document explains that Commission officials feel “uncomfortable” at the sight of the sun shining through their windows.

“Rays of light provoke extreme reactions inside Commission HQ. Today we have seen scores of workers (well, the ones that have stayed in Brussels over the May holiday) literally screaming out for more greyness.”

In a bid to improve the situation, the Commission has outlined plans to relocate to Reykjavik, Iceland. “If it’s not cold and grey for natural reasons up there, then at least we can rely on the volcano to pour out more inky greyness,” the plan states.

In somewhat shaky handwriting, the document also notes the possibility of placing kegs full of gunpowder at strategic locations near the currently erupting volcano, and at other volcanoes thought to be unstable.

The plan would be to blow-up these supplies periodically in order to ensure a permanent cloud of greyness starting in Iceland and spreading rapidly south across the entire European continent.

The WW would, however, like to point out that these plans could not be entirely verified due to the scruffy nature of the seen document.

In a short-term attempt to counteract the sunlight induced madness the Commission is understood to have established grey container rooms where distressed officials can go to gather themselves together.

The document was seen in the hands of a high level Commission official as he stepped into his 4×4 ready for his daily mission of travelling up and down Rue de le Loi and Rue Belliard in Brussels for eight hours a day.

“The more greyness I can create by using my polluting 4×4, the more I am contributing to the efficiency of the Commission”, the official mumbled to a colleague.

More tanning for EU citizens

Every EU citizen must have a personal sunbed and use it at least three-times a week in the winter months, increasing to five for those living in Nordic countries, the European Commission ordered today (15 February).

The move comes as the Commission admits to being increasingly embarrassed about the ghostly-white state of European skin at this time of year.

“Tanning is something we at the Commission take very seriously: our citizens travel everywhere in the world and there is no way a European should be seen with a pasty chest sprawled out on the beaches of Australia or the Caribbean as they take their winter breaks”, Commission spokesperson for Image and Vanity, Doz Mibumlukbigindis, said.

Mibumlukbigindis said the idea was sparked by reports from Central and Latin America and southern Asia that locals were “literally blinded” by the paleness of some European chests, legs and arms. “We’ve seen people hospitalised after simply glimpsing a winter-skinned European,” she said. “Apparently, some people are even confusing Europeans who have developped t-shirt, short and sandal tanlines with mutilated corpses back from the dead,” she added.

Free sunbeds will be available at the Schuman roundabout from next Monday and a mass shipment is currently on its way to Finland, Sweden and Denmark.

EU parliament in disarray over drinks

Café

EU politicians are threatening to walk out of important committee meetings in protest against what is seen as an “appalling” lack of diversity in conference refreshment options.

In a move that has taken Brussels by surprise, party politics is being cast aside as MEPs across the political spectrum join forces to fight for greater choice of hot drinks.

The campaign, “Cafe, Quoi d’Autre?”, calls for a much broader range of drinks refreshments to be served during the parliament’s meetings.

The campaign says that at an absolute minimum, there must be fresh orange juice, hot chocolate, herbal tea and warm milk, available at regular intervals.

Several of parliament’s most active committee chairs are demanding more ambitious reforms, which extend to the threat of (in)action if the drinks are not served with bisuits.

“I am in charge of regular 3 hour meetings, about multilingualism in financial regulation policies. Surely I deserve a little square of chocolate on the side?” said German deputy Milken Biskitz.

The campaign has already attracted 700 signatures for an open letter to the parliament president, demanding an overhaul of the current drinks-in-meetings system, which has not changed for over 30 years.

A failure to satisfy the demands may lead to delay of the long-awaited report “2030: A Cardboard-Free Europe”, with potentially serious consequences for the EU’s plans for a low-cardboard economy.