The familiar ditty blurted out of the ice cream van speakers is in fact imbued with the hypnotic message: “I need ice cream now. I must go and buy ice cream from the nice man in the van.” Followed by, “I will not notice when he does not give me all the change from my €20 note.

Other secret tricks include delicately balancing the ball of ice cream on the edge of the waffle cone to allow the maximum chance of it falling off within 5 minutes of purchase – enough time to reasonably allow a return journey to the van to buy a replacement. Children are believed to be especially vulberable to this technique.

Ice cream van drivers also fake Italian accents to trick you into believing that the quality of your strawberry, chocolate and banana boules is far higher than it really is, the report reveals.

“I knew this was trickery all along,” one Italian working in the EU quarter said reacting to the report. “Every day that bloody tune floods through the office windows making me think I need an ice cream. I pretend to my colleagues that I hate the f’kers, but really I go outside and scoff one. My favourite is pistachio.

I am Italian, I should have known. They have affected my brain. The bastards,I will take action,” the civil servant warned.

Do you feel affected by this story? Do you have ice cream van-related tales to tell? Let us know by commenting on this post.

The WW has passed the classified ABICV document to the Belgian authorities in charge of ice cream van regulations. We will keep readers updated as soon as there are developments.

“It appears that the yellow-tinted disc of intense brightness has returned to the skies of Belgium, we must take action.” The document explains that Commission officials feel “uncomfortable” at the sight of the sun shining through their windows.

“Rays of light provoke extreme reactions inside Commission HQ. Today we have seen scores of workers (well, the ones that have stayed in Brussels over the May holiday) literally screaming out for more greyness.”

In a bid to improve the situation, the Commission has outlined plans to relocate to Reykjavik, Iceland. “If it’s not cold and grey for natural reasons up there, then at least we can rely on the volcano to pour out more inky greyness,” the plan states.

In somewhat shaky handwriting, the document also notes the possibility of placing kegs full of gunpowder at strategic locations near the currently erupting volcano, and at other volcanoes thought to be unstable.

The plan would be to blow-up these supplies periodically in order to ensure a permanent cloud of greyness starting in Iceland and spreading rapidly south across the entire European continent.

The WW would, however, like to point out that these plans could not be entirely verified due to the scruffy nature of the seen document.

In a short-term attempt to counteract the sunlight induced madness the Commission is understood to have established grey container rooms where distressed officials can go to gather themselves together.

The document was seen in the hands of a high level Commission official as he stepped into his 4×4 ready for his daily mission of travelling up and down Rue de le Loi and Rue Belliard in Brussels for eight hours a day.

“The more greyness I can create by using my polluting 4×4, the more I am contributing to the efficiency of the Commission”, the official mumbled to a colleague.

The move comes as the Commission admits to being increasingly embarrassed about the ghostly-white state of European skin at this time of year.

“Tanning is something we at the Commission take very seriously: our citizens travel everywhere in the world and there is no way a European should be seen with a pasty chest sprawled out on the beaches of Australia or the Caribbean as they take their winter breaks”, Commission spokesperson for Image and Vanity, Doz Mibumlukbigindis, said.

Mibumlukbigindis said the idea was sparked by reports from Central and Latin America and southern Asia that locals were “literally blinded” by the paleness of some European chests, legs and arms. “We’ve seen people hospitalised after simply glimpsing a winter-skinned European,” she said. “Apparently, some people are even confusing Europeans who have developped t-shirt, short and sandal tanlines with mutilated corpses back from the dead,” she added.

Free sunbeds will be available at the Schuman roundabout from next Monday and a mass shipment is currently on its way to Finland, Sweden and Denmark.

Café

EU politicians are threatening to walk out of important committee meetings in protest against what is seen as an “appalling” lack of diversity in conference refreshment options.

In a move that has taken Brussels by surprise, party politics is being cast aside as MEPs across the political spectrum join forces to fight for greater choice of hot drinks.

The campaign, “Cafe, Quoi d’Autre?”, calls for a much broader range of drinks refreshments to be served during the parliament’s meetings.

The campaign says that at an absolute minimum, there must be fresh orange juice, hot chocolate, herbal tea and warm milk, available at regular intervals.

Several of parliament’s most active committee chairs are demanding more ambitious reforms, which extend to the threat of (in)action if the drinks are not served with bisuits.

“I am in charge of regular 3 hour meetings, about multilingualism in financial regulation policies. Surely I deserve a little square of chocolate on the side?” said German deputy Milken Biskitz.

The campaign has already attracted 700 signatures for an open letter to the parliament president, demanding an overhaul of the current drinks-in-meetings system, which has not changed for over 30 years.

A failure to satisfy the demands may lead to delay of the long-awaited report “2030: A Cardboard-Free Europe”, with potentially serious consequences for the EU’s plans for a low-cardboard economy.

The European Union and the Lunar Authorities (LA) have signed a deal that paves the way for tariff free imports to the EU on unlimited quantities of Lunar Wensleydale, the European Commission reported on Wednesday.

The trade-liberalising move, which must still be approved by the Man on the Moon, is the first in the history of Moon-Earth relations.

“This deal is just one small step for the EU, but a giant leap for Wensleydale lovers”, Libby Ralisation, EU trade chief, joked.

Under the terms of the deal, Wensleydale varieties must be labelled according to their origin – either Lunar Wensleydale or Yorkshire Wensleydale.

Producers of the Yorkshire variety fear Lunar Wensleydale may flood the EU market. “This is solar-systemisation gone a step too far”, said Wendy Formenta, leader of the Ban Lunar Wensleydale movement.

“This is solar-systemisation gone a step too far”

In 1988 both the LA and the EU disagreed on the origin of Wensleydale with the EU claiming that it came from a British region called Yorkshire and saying that it was impossible to conceive of a lunar variety. World renowned scientists Wallace and Gromit proved just one year later that Wensleydale is widely available on the moon.

“Today I only had to join three different queues and had to provide just four different passport-sized photos,” one dejected resident of Bruxelles-les-bains said between trumbone trumpets.

Another resident told of a time he visited the commune just before lunch closing time at 11.38 and was cruely told to “exit the building and come back after lunch at 15.36.” The man in question had purposefully visited just before the lunch break, hoping to spend long hours lounging in the luxury of the commune waiting area.

WAST’s spokesperson Gimme Mortime told the Commune Secretary-General for efficiency, M. Rouban-rouge, said that queue waiting time needs to be tripled, while residents should attach original photos to all documents, as well as providing at least ten copies of each administrative document.

Mortime said that Brussels’ residents should be made to feel that the “Commune cares”, before releasing a fire cracker into the gathered crowd.

Responding to the call, leaders of the commune said they planned to act on the sentiments of local residents by introducing a “redirection policy”. Under the new scheme, when all queuers reach the end of their queue they will be redirected to a new queue at least three times during one commune visit.

MEPs immediately pointed the finger at a right-wing British MEP as the guilty culprit. Ididna Letoneov, a Latvian MEP, asserted that she was sure the smell in question was the fault of MEP Dan Guffer, member of the BBS Party (British are the best and all the rest are stupid) who was seated next to her at the committee. She told the Waffle that Mr. Guffer had been ´shifting about suspiciously in his seat, and then I saw him look round with a big grin on his face´.

When MEPs confronted Mr. Guffer outside the committee room, he angrily protested his innocence: ´This is just another example of how our party is bullied and discriminated against. We British are a proud and honourable people. I find this treatment disgusting´. On further questioning as to the origins of the odour, Mr. Guffer said that Bulgarian socialist MEP Alex Goodmanis ´could not be trusted´ and ´had been smelling a bit off since the first committee meeting´.

MEPs from other parties did not hesitate to voice their criticisms and to seek political gains from the malodorous act. German Green MEP Sven Gudasgold said that ´this just shows how certain MEPs are not taking climate change seriously enough. We should all do our bit to hold in our gaseous emissions´.

UK MEP Earl Spofforth of Humphingdonshire, member of the UKFC party (the United Kingdom is frightfully clever party) guffawed loudly for several minutes and then when he had regained his composure, he told the Waffle with a large grin ´well old boy, it just shows how this European Union is nothing but a lot of hot air´.

Konker, the committee chairman, has called for sensitive gas detectors to be installed in his committee rooms beneath MEPs to enable future early detection of foul-smelling emissions from his committee members.

Stig Updabum, the training instructor of these courses, told the Waffle that assistants have been learning to strut the corridors of parliament in time with their MEP. ‘This gives the illusion of importance and enables them to travel more quickly’ he said. However he added that ‘on Fridays strutting is frowned upon and a more leisurely, relaxed pace is encouraged’.

Alongside strutting, assistants have also undergone courses in applied make-up, dressing up, coffee-time flirting and in looking busy. Stig told the Waffle that ‘if an assistant does not look attractive nor spend enough time in the parliament coffee bar, they will simply not be taken seriously’.

Jana Turnmeova, a new Czech assistant, told the Waffle that she was ‘enjoying dressing up’ for her MEP and that the courses had taught her how to use her assets ‘more effectively’.

She is now planning to take part in one of Stig’s new advanced courses. ‘These are designed to teach assistants the unique skills that their MEPs have mastered over many years’ he told the Waffle. Assistants will learn to speak at length without saying anything meaningful, to remain awake in committees and to speak English with a peculiar Dutch accent regardless of their nationality.

´My ultimate goal is to make the corridors and coffee bars of Brussels more dynamic and more attractive places´ says Stig. ´Unattractive and unimportant people do nothing for the Parliament´s image´.

Authorities for the Brussels Tram System are to pioneer an innovative approach to public transport schedules.

Known as “creative timetabling”, the system is set to overhaul the traditional method of regular minutes-past-the-hour arrival times in favour of randomising tram times.

Public transport insiders say the system was developed following concerns over a “lack of creative spirit” within the tram scheduling community.

“Creative Timetabling will transform tram schedules,” said Anne Biorix, Head of Schedules at the Brussels Public Transport office.

“It’s the right time for tram times to change,” she added.

Prior to this new method, trams would arrive in a regular, predictable fashion at the same number of minutes past each hour.

Creative Timetabling, however, produces randomised tram times which leaves passengers without access to the timetable unable to predict when the next tram will arrive.

Trams might be scheduled for six minutes past each hour, but on reaching 15h will take a dramatic leap to twelve minutes past.

It is hoped that passengers will enjoy the “dizzy excitement” of being unable to recall the exact time of their trams, whether going to work, home, school or simply taking a tram ride for fun.

The system is also designed to work against those who memorise tram timetables, as times will automatically change each month according to a secret mathematical algorithm developed by dwarfs in a cave in the Ardennes.

There are worries among passengers however that this level of unpredictability will prevent anyone from ever catching a tram on time.

When questioned about this, Biorix said that waiting for the next tram had been a source of inspiration to some of Belgium’s most celebrated scientists, artists and musicians.

When pressed further, however, Biorix was unable to recall any names.

A Brussels-based journalist allegedly fabricated a whole paragraph of a story this week in his impatience to get to the Hobnob tin.

Reports were leaked on Tuesday of the shocking incident in which the journalist at an as-yet unconfirmed publication  lackadaisically claimed that the Netherlands was set to hold a national Stoned and Naked Day – simply in order to finish his story and progress to his tea break.

The false claim was uncovered later by a Dutch colleague – fortunately before the article had gone to print.

It is thought the article was about wind farms, and that the journalist had attempted to establish an extremely tenuous link between sustainable energy production, marijuana consumption and the sex industry in the Netherlands.

He went on to assert that the Dutch government had designated May 26 a national holiday, on which free marijuana would be handed out to anyone who turned up in the nude at Amsterdam’s Central Station.

“He was trying to fill column inches and we all know how hard that can be on a slow news day, but there is absolutely no excuse for making such offensive and inaccurate claims,” the anonymous Dutchman told the WW.

Sex industry representatives today expressed their indignation at the association the anonymous journalist allegedly made between prostitution and wind farms.

Escort and Dutch sex workers’ union leader Bitava Ho said: “What I do is absolutely my choice and has nothing whatsoever to do with windmills.”

The journalist is known to be especially fond of dipping Hobnobs – a popular British biscuit brand – in his tea, his Dutch colleague said, and has frequently rushed stories in order to put the kettle on for this purpose.

It is understood that the journalist may have been placed on garden leave pending treatment for biscuit addiction.

Was Hobnob to blame for sloppy journalism?